Have
you ever had a relationship that ended abruptly with the
disappearance of your man? He was someone
who seemed just perfect for you. He led you to believe
that you two are about to turn into a great couple --
until one day he just stopped calling and ignored your
messages
Here
is some mail I recently received from one of my
customers:
Dear
Naomi,
I
wish to ask your advice. Here is my story: a couple of
months ago, I met a great guy who gave me back my faith
in men. He was charming, romantic, polite, sweet, and
sensitive. During the first month we had phone
conversations almost every day and saw each other at
least twice a week. We had an amazing amount in common
and I thought he might be “the one” although it was
early in the relationship. Everything was great, until
one Saturday evening he simply changed. During that
evening, he complained all the time. He said the pub was
noisy and overcrowded, so we went to my place. Then he
said the TV show was stupid, so I suggested a movie. The
movie was ‘too girly’, he said, and at that point I felt
completely helpless and asked him what was going on. Was
there something better to do, in his opinion? I asked.
He told me that he’d better go home. I felt terribly
insecure and asked him to stay the night, but he
refused. I tried to talk to him just to try and understand what
was going on, but he just kept saying he needed some
‘space’. Please note that I had always respected his
‘space’, so his attitude was offensive, to say the
least.
He
went home and promised to call me the next day. But he
never called again and didn’t return my calls. After a
couple of weeks, I sent him a ‘Happy New Year’ SMS and
he replied Thank you. I’m sorry about that. You’re great
and I wish you all the love & happiness you
deserve’. At least I now knew he hadn’t been involved in a
fatal accident or kidnapped by aliens.
I
don’t want him back. I want nothing to do with such a
man, but there’re still a couple of questions I would
like answered, of which the most important are “Why did
he behave this way?” and “Should I send him a letter –
not to ask him back but to tell him how it makes me
feel?”
What
do you think, Naomi?
Thanks,
Nicky
Is
this situation familiar to you? Unfortunately,
Nicky’s story is all too common and reminds many women
of similar bewildering incidents they have experienced..
For this reason, I decided to dedicate this post to the
analysis of the situation that I refer to as “The
Houdini Effect” – the sudden and unpredictable
disappearance of the romantic partner, either female or
male (mostly male). While anyone can end a relationship
at any time, “Houdini” ends it abruptly, with no
explanation, and leaves the abandoned partner shocked
and asking “What happened?”
To
understand the phenomenon, you need to get inside the
secret inner world of “Houdini Guy”. Why does end a
relationship is such a weird way? I’ll try to
answer the question, but, first of all, you should know
that there are a number of questions to
ask:
1.
Why
did he choose to disappear this
way?
Because
any talk of a
break-up is unpleasant one, some people prefer
not to indulge in it at all. For this reason, HR
interviewers usually tell unsuitable work candidates
something like “Don’t call us, we’ll call you”, even if
a candidate would definitely prefers a negative answer
to uncertainty. For the same reason, many intimidated
bosses hide themselves behind their polite secretaries.
Finally, for this reason the initiator of break-up talk
usually looks for way to escape the coping. While a
“merciful” guy will simply explain that it’s
“not
you but me,” the egocentric one disappears. Basically,
“Houdini
Guy” is an egocentric
man who is afraid of coping.
2.
Why
did he choose to end such a good
relationship?
While
there can be many explanations for finishing a good
relationship, the most common are:
#1:
For him, the time you spent together was just a trial
period. It is a fact that men and women are
socialized to treat relationships in different ways. For
a woman, a short relationship is usually perceived as
her failure either to “catch” a guy or to “to
compromise”. For a man, a short relationship is often
perceived as a sleight on his self-evaluation and
ability to attract a woman. While the man evaluates
himself mainly by his power of attraction, a woman is
judged by her ability to remain in a long relationship.
As a result, your male partner is likely to be far less
committed to a new relationship than you are.
#2:
The relationship has changed its
direction.
As I’ve already mentioned, men are not evaluated by
their ability to remain in a long relationship.
Therefore, they can treat temporary relationship as an
end in itself, and not as a
step
on their way to anything meaningful. Consequently, when
your relationship is deepening, you may assume that it
is natural, but your male partner can feel like he is
losing control. This is why many “Houdini”
disappearances occur after “bonding” events such as
meeting friends and families, or after the first
romantic weekend.
#3:
The situation has changed.
In some cases, something has happened.
For instance, his ex who broke his heart suddenly wants
him back, his former classmate finally convinced him
that coming out of the closet is OK, and so on. However,
this is fairly uncommon.
3.
Why
now?
The
timing isn’t necessarily meaningful. Usually, there is
some event that has triggered his decision, such as an
evening spent with his happy single friends, an
afternoon spent with his unhappily married friends,
meeting a beautiful woman who could be with him if only
he was single, etc. The exact incident does not really
matter. It is only a trigger that arouses thoughts and
feelings.
4.
Does
his disappearance mean that he didn’t respect
me?
This
is not necessarily so. However, such behavior is
certainly a sign of his tendency to prefer his own
convenience to considering the feelings of others.
5.
Should
I send him a letter – not to ask him back but to tell
him how it makes me feel?
There
is no unequivocal answer to this question. After all,
the letter’s function is quite minor, namely to close
the relationship properly. My best advice is not to act
impulsively. Many women who sent letters like these tend
to regret it later. So if you write a letter, don’t send
it immediately. Put it aside for a couple of days. If
later you still feel you want to send the letter, go for
it. However, in many cases the writing itself does the
job.
Many
women ask me if it possible to prevent a “Houdini”
incident. This depends on the characteristics of the
particular situation, but there are some general rules
that can definitely help:
1.
Persuade
your partner that a relationship with you is not a
compromise but an achievement.
The more attractive you are, the greater the chances
that your partner will be concerned about ensuring and
strengthening a relationship with you and not about
looking for better opportunities. Note that impression
and attraction management skills depend on your mental
abilities, so sharpen them.. The first chapter of
the book Meet
& Keep the Right Man is mostly dedicated to
developing and enhancing these abilities.
2.
It
is very important to control your negative emotions
while communicating with a new
partner.
Your emotional self-control contributes a lot to your
overall attractiveness and to the desirability of the
whole relationship. In addition, if staying in a
relationship does not feel right to him, he will be more
likely to talk to you (rather than disappear), if you
are able to control your emotional responses. Part 1.7
of the first chapter of the book Meet & Keep the
Right Man, together with its fifth chapter, includes
some good advice in field of emotion
management.
3.
You
should never insist on keeping the relationship if your
partner has doubts about it.
Most women who asked me for advice on the topic of their
ex-partner’s disappearances admitted that at some stage
the man had second thoughts about the relationship, but
the woman insisted on “giving it another chance”.
However, a few women who chose to end a relationship
immediately after hearing of their partners’ second
thoughts reported that, in most cases, the partner asked
to get back together in a couple of days. Notice that
the less dependent you are on your partner, the more
attractive you are to him. Therefore, the best way to
convince a new partner to stay in a relationship with
you is to pull, not to push.
4.
Do
not rush to “upgrade” your relationship too
quickly.
For instance, never push him to meet his or your parents
and friends, and think twice before accepting such an
invitation from him. For some of us, meeting parents and
friends can be evidence of a serious relationship.
However, it is
much better to first build and to strengthen
the
relationship
you have, and only then to let your common space merge
with your personal spaces.
You
can read more about attraction techniques and how to
always be desirable in your partner’s eyes in
the
book
Meet & Keep the Right
Man.
Its
fourth and especially fifth chapters, together with
part
1.7 of the first chapter, include some great advice and
insights in the field of behavior, ways of life, and
patterns of thinking ultimately attractive and desirable
woman.
