Have
you ever had an elusive relationship with an emotionally
unavailable man? Somebody who was probably attractive,
self-confident, funny, successful, and made your heart
skip a few beats? Perhaps you shared a lot in common
with him and underwent an exciting emotional experience
while interacting with him. You were sure that there was
a promising beginning of a great relationship. However,
the relationship went so far and no further. Maybe he
refused to commit to you; maybe he kept remained distant
and remote; maybe he insisted on calling you his “date”
and not his “partner”, “girlfriend”, or “spouse”; or
maybe he placed you at the very bottom of his
priorities. As long as you were tolerant, the
relationship stayed the same. As soon as you became
demanding, you started to grow
apart.
In
this article, you’ll discover:
1.
Why
many women continually pick emotionally unavailable men
while driving away the good men who are ready for a
mature relationship.
2.
Five
common behavioral patterns of men who cannot commit.
3.
How
to attract a man although he is emotionally available
Here
is a letter I received recently:
Dear
Naomi,
I
am writing to you about a relationship I’ve been
involved in for an almost two years. I’m 26 years old,
and the guy I go out with is 33 and has never been
married. He is good-looking, masculine, funny, and
successful.
The problem is that, despite being together for a long
time, he still refuses to refer to us as a couple. He
neither talks about a future nor calls me his
girlfriend.
Additionally,
he is very selfish and never includes me in his weekend
or holiday plans. He always tells me that he can’t plan
ahead, and is only able to call me on Saturday for a
spontaneous night out. That means I can never make my
own plans if I want to see him.
There is
no sign of any commitment on his part. During all the
time we have been together, he has never spent entire
weekend with me, and he doesn’t take me out to
restaurants very often. Despite his financial situation, which is much
better than my own, he never spends money on me
and expects me to pay for myself when we go out..
He
tells me that I am a wonderful woman, and he could see
himself falling for me, but he’s not ready for a
commitment. He says he still feels like a young boy and
can’t commit to a long-term
relationship.
I don’t
want to be arrogant, but you should know that I’m a
good-looking woman who can attract almost any guy. I
know that it’s time to break up, but it's very hard for
me since I love him. Moreover, how do I know that I will
get someone better? This isn’t the first time I dated an
emotionally unavailable man,
and this one at least treats me with
respect.
(Laura T.,
Is
this familiar to anybody? Have you ever been mixed up
with this kind of guy? As she said, this was not the
first time it happened to Laura. And she’s not alone:
many women, including the smart and good-looking ones,
have a pattern of continually
picking emotionally
unavailable men while
driving away good ones who are ready to for a mature
relationship.
It is very sad. During the years Laura spent with men
who couldn’t commit, she could have been meeting dozens
of great, mature, and serious men.
1.
Why
do some women always choose men who can’t
commit?
There
are three main reasons why women choose emotionally
unavailable men and not mature, available
ones:
1)
A
woman may be inexperienced, naive and easily
deceived.
An emotionally
unavailable man has nothing to lose – he never gets
involved in a relationship too deeply. When dating a
woman he tends to be cool, self confident, and
independent. These qualities are generally very
attractive if they appear in a person of the opposite
sex. An inexperienced, na?ve and, usually, young woman
can fall in love with a man like this, while experienced
woman recognize his destructive behavioral patterns.
2)
A
woman may harbor by some delusive myths about changing a
man’s nature.
There are several
deadly mistakes which can destroy
your chances to develop a truly loving relationship with
men. One of them is a belief that the
good, devoted, and loving woman, who tries hard enough,
can
convince
an unavailable man to deepen his feelings for her.
Believe me, this is completely unfounded.
3)
A
woman may not be ready for a mature, reciprocal
relationship. A
giving ability is very important in a relationship but
it is not enough. In a real relationship, you should be
able to take also.
Therefore, a mature, committed, and honest man will be a
giver to a same extent that you are. If you are not able
to take and appreciate a man, expect to attract the
wrong kind of men.
2.
Five common behavioral patterns of men who can’t
commit.
The
emotionally
unavailable man doesn’t come with a sign above his head:
“I’m solely here for wasting your time and breaking your
heart”. Sometimes a man will admit that he isn’t looking
for a relationship, but it’s not very common. However,
unavailable men often display the following behavioral
patterns:
Type
#1 The Player
The
player is a man
who spends time with you in order to add one more item
to his archive of conquests. Different players have
different definitions of “conquests”: one tries to get a
one-night stand, another tries to make everyone his
steady partner for meaningless sex, and a third strives
to achieve emotional control. However, they
all have a common denominator: the purpose is not a
relationship but rather an ego stroke. As a rule,
players do not let you know about their goals but rather
try to give you the impression that they are deeply
involved with you. Therefore, it is important to know
how to identify these rotten
apples.
Three
signs of a player:
1.
He
is a smooth talker and feels too comfortable around you,
especially if you’ve just met.
2.
He
flirts with other women and easily impresses them.
3.
While
courting, he clearly prefers a financial investment to
an emotional one. For example, he will take you out to
an expensive restaurant but will not share a deep,
personal conversation with you.
Type
#2 The Narcissist
The
narcissist is a man who can’t fall in love with you,
since he’s already in a deep, true, and exclusive love
with himself. Unlike a player, he can be with one woman
(probably you) -- but only if she’s there to adore him.
Three
signs of a narcissist:
1.
He
is extremely remote and emotionally distant
except during a
courting.
2.
He
is neither responsive nor involved. He ignores your
requests and suggestions and he wants to be the
only one who decides when, where, and how you will see
each other.
3.
He
refuses to make any relationship work.
Type
#3 The Man
Who Is Looking For Someone Else
When
a woman is looking for a relationship, there are two
kinds of men: suitable ones and unsuitable ones. For a
man, there are three categories of woman: totally
unsuitable ones, totally suitable ones, and ones who are
suitable only for a short affair. The difference between
“The One for him” and “The woman he’s dating for a
while” can be elusive and depends on the particular man.
Some men look for social status, some emphasize physical
appearance and some can only fall in love with a woman
who reminds him of his mother!
Three
signs that he is looking for someone
else:
1.
He
is extremely critical and judgmental about
you.
2.
He
spends time with you, but takes pains to prevent you
meeting his parents, friends and/or
coworkers.
3.
He
is unlikely to make any future
plans.
Type
#4 Right Man, Bad Timing
The
man is great, but the timing isn’t. He just lost his
job/ just broke up with his girlfriend, just discovered
his spiritual side and is too excited about it. Anyway,
he is not available for a new relationship because his
emotional resources are invested entirely in something
else.
Three
signs that the timing is wrong for
him:
1.
He
doesn’t initiate anything.
2.
He
is likely to speak a lot about the same problem that
annoys him or his other
interests.
3.
He
will probably tell you that the timing is
wrong.
Type
#5 The Man Whose Potential You Missed
In
this case, there was potential for a relationship, but
for some reason you missed it by adopting a wrong
behavioral pattern that drove him away. Maybe you were
too needy; maybe you were too keen on him. Or maybe you
tried to manipulate him and he didn’t like it. Whatever
the reason, you drove him away. There are many ways you
can unintentionally drive
away good men with great relationship
potential.
One
sign that you missed his potential:
His
attitude changes during your relationship. At some
stage, he becomes distant, calls much less often than in
the beginning, or suddenly needs more space.
Want
to know more about non-committing, emotionally
unavailable men?
See part 5.4 of the book Meet & Keep the
Right Man. You will discover much more about Players
and even more types of unavailable men I didn’t mention
here.
3.
How to attract a man although he is emotionally
unavailable
Whether
or not this is possible depends on your goals and the
type of unavailability. Let’s see:
Type
#1 The Player.
This
type of unavailable man is nearly impossible to attract.
For this man, there’re no human interactions with a
woman, but rather battles between two rivals that ends
only when one of you is defeated. This is how he thinks:
While you are unavailable, you are the winner. But the
moment he manages to “achieve you”, you are defeated,
and he is already on his way to another challenge.
The
Player can change, but he will never do it for a woman
who is in love with him. This kind of woman is a
defeated rival in his eyes and therefore isn’t worthy of
his efforts.
Type
#2 The
Narcissist.
You can attract this kind of man if you are
prepared to behave in the way he wants. A narcissist is
always in need of admirers, and an attractive woman who
admires will probably be “the one for him”. However, you
should think carefully about whether you really want
such a man. Your relationship with him will never be
reciprocal or satisfactory. He will never be supportive
of you or involved in you, and one day you may become
tired of being his therapist and admirer. So think again
if you want to attract him -- although you probably can.
Type #3 The Man
Who Is Looking For Someone Else
Using
self-optimization tactics you can become a desirable
woman to just about any man. But there will still be
some men who will stay unavailable no matter how perfect
you are, just because you’re different from their
mothers, ex-girlfriends, and the female characters in
their computer games. Accept that you
can’t please everybody. But you can definitely attract
many, many others.
Type
#4 Right
Man, Bad Timing
As
long as it is just about timing, you can try to charm
him while helping him to overcome his problems or get
over his involvement in another subject. Take more
initiative, be less demanding, etc. Sometimes, a man is
able to love and commit but is tired of standard
courting games. However, if you choose to try this, be
cautious and stay romantic rather than turning into his
“sister” or “therapist”.
Type
#5 The Man Whose Potential You Missed
If
it isn’t too late, you can try to maintain the
relationship by spending time away from him, working on
your general attractiveness, designing your personal
space and life using self-improvement techniques (for
more information, see the
first chapter
of the book Meet
& Keep the Right
Man),
and using various “relationship maintenance” techniques
(for more information, see the
fifth chapter
of my book).
And
the most important way to solve this problem is to
believe deeply that you deserve a truly committed
relationship.
Be aware that many kinds of emotionally
unavailable men take advantage of women who don’t
believe they deserve much more. Believe in yourself,
value yourself, be able to take as well as to – and
non-committing men will never approach you.
