Dating and Relationship Guide

Always the Wrong Man!

Why do some women attract the wrong kind of men, while men who fascinate them never call back?

Have you ever found yourself trapped between two kinds of men: those who want you and those that you want to be with? Perhaps you have dated lots of good guys who were nice, educated and fairly successful, but for some reason they didn’t appeal to you. However, when you finally met the “perfect” guy, the one who really impressed you, he never called back or he told you it would not work.

Possibly you were surprised, since you are not the sort of woman who experiences rejection very often. Actually, many men would be happy to date you. However, when you finally felt fascinated by a man, he did not feel the same.

Has this ever happened to you? If the answer is positive, I want to inform you that you are in good company. Many women find themselves in the same Catch 22 situation: they do attract men, but not the type they are looking for. It happens so frequently that any number of complicated theories have been developed to explain the situation. Let us address some of the common explanations for the “non-reciprocity phenomenon”.

Your best friend’s explanation: Forget him; he’s a jerk. He isn’t worth it.

There’s nothing better than listening to a supportive and loyal friend, but deep inside you know that she’s wrong. He was not a jerk; actually, he was a sweet, polite and intelligent guy. And he is definitely worth it!.

The chauvinist’s explanation: Typical woman -- disrespecting good guys and chasing the ones who do not give a damn about her! You deserve his rejection.

The chauvinist is wrong — as usual. Your love is not a prize that should be given to any man for only being nice and interested in you. Desiring to get the best that you can is human nature. When it comes to success in life, insisting on getting the best is called “decisiveness” and “ambition.” Surely it should be the same when it comes to finding the right man?

Your grandmother’s explanation: You’re too choosy, my dear. Start compromising; otherwise you’ll stay single forever.

Sometimes Grandma is right, and sometimes she wrong!. Some women, indeed, behave in an immature way and are able to reject a good guy just because of his pants color. If this seems like you, please check your priorities ASAP. But if you are not that kind of woman, and your desired guys are obviously better (more mature, educated, successful, attractive etc.) than the undesired ones, let yourself be “choosy.” Being in a relationship is impossible without compromises, so be loyal to your choices while looking for a relationship.  

The psychiatrist’s explanation: If you reject every interested guy and are attracted to an indifferent one then you don’t really want a relationship, or you are still immature. Or both. A good therapist could solve your problem.

You know what? A good therapist could never damage anybody. But deep inside, you know that you are mature and ready to be involved in a relationship. You just want it with a man of your choice.

Is there a way to reverse the “non-reciprocity phenomenon”? Well, yes there is. It is possible to attract the absolutely perfect guy and persuade him to give you a chance? However, in order to overcome this obstacle, you should understand the mechanism of the modern dating reality.

Just like any other part of our lives, having the right spouse has become in modern society a means to self-fulfillment, achievement, and success. Think of a woman 150 years ago; being married to healthy, hard-working spouse who was not drunk all the time was perceived as evidence of her great success. Today, everybody expects you to marry at least a good-looking, well-educated, successful, well-behaved, talented, and witty man. It would not be a mistake to say that the man of your choice will probably the best one you can get.

The environment in which to get a man is getting tougher all the time.  Men are not as obliged by society to get married as women are. A 40 year old man can allow himself to be single and still be considered successful and attractive. Therefore, a man will see you as a “relationship material” and commit to you only if you suggest to him a great additional value, something that can improve his quality of life. Men are not looking for a partner only to share an apartment with. They want to upgrade their lives, they want an entry ticket to a new world – one that is better than the one they have or at least more interesting.

Here are some examples of additional values that a relationship can contribute to a single man:

1.      Mental support, enjoyable company of a real soul mate, an enriched social life.

2.      A stable, intimate life shared with an attractive woman.

3.      Satisfied emotional and sexual needs. 

4.      An upgrade in social status if the female partner is educated, talented, successful, belongs to a valuable community, etc.

5.      A sense of achievement due to the public recognition of his ability to achieve an attractive, successful woman. 

The greater the overall additional value you can suggest, the bigger the chance he will prefer you to other women and be attracted to you.

One can argue that if a man falls in love he is indifferent to your “value”. But, unfortunately, in most cases, people meet prior to falling in love. And if the man perceives you as a potential source of life improvement, he will be more likely to let himself fall in love with you. Furthermore, even if a man was already excited by you, it would still be important to him to ensure that his future relationship would be socially accepted and perceived by his relatives and friends as an achievement.

So the way to solve the problem is to go reciprocal. How do you do that?  How do you become “the-best-woman-that-the-best-man-can-get”? It is obvious that you can’t become another person overnight. But if your purpose is to attract the kind of man you were not able to attract before, you have to do some work on yourself. Luckily, it is neither impossible nor very difficult.. Keep in mind that most of us are hiding great potential deep inside that remains unrevealed during our superficial communications with men. You certainly have much more to offer than most of your male acquaintances realize. 

Think of it in terms of the labor market. Everybody knows that if you want a job it is not enough to be a good worker. You must prepare a resume that represents you in the best way; you must dress properly; and you must emphasize your upsides and hide the downsides. If you want a really good job, an employment consultant can suggest ways to improve your existing skills, to learn new skills, and to behave in an impressive manner. Even so, when it comes to romantic relationships, many destructive beliefs can appear, starting with “Your man needs to love you as you are” and finishing with “Impression management kills spontaneity and romance”.    

Actually, the dating scene is very much like every other competitive environment. In order to attract the best man, it isn’t enough to be a valuable woman. You also must maximize your potential and “market” yourself properly. Here’s an important point to consider: it is very likely that your most desirable man is also the greatest “marketer” of himself!

Self-marketing has nothing with arrogance and boastfulness. You can’t attract a man, just like you can’t get a good job, just by declaring that you are the best. Your man (like an HR manager) must see your inner qualities.

The book Meet & Keep the Right Man dedicates a great deal of advice and analysis to the issue of self-optimization. Self-optimization is a way to self-improvement and impression management, which is based on your real, existing upsides. For instance, you can optimize yourself in the field of appearance by:

1.      Revising your closet: replace worn out and unflattering clothes with new and complementing ones, while adopting an appropriate style that flatters you. This mission is best done with the help of a female friend who has good taste or from experienced salespeople at good clothing stores.

2.      Maintaining your face’s skin meticulously by cleaning it, persevering in daily care, visiting the beautician, and regularly using proper make up. 

3.      Maintaining a reasonable level of daily physical activity in order to feel better and to be healthier and more energetic.

Notice that there’s absolutely no need to change your life completely in order to look better. You can improve your looks to a great extent just by slightly adjusting your lifestyle in a way that enables you to be more physically attractive.

You can also optimize yourself in the field of environment by:

1.      Keeping your house and car always clean and well-organized.

2.      Decorating your house and car in the best way your budget allows.    

The connection between home and car improvement is not obvious. However, a comfortable, cozy car and apartment can make you feel more self-confident and keep a better inner balance. These qualities usually make a woman more attractive in a man’s eyes. Furthermore, when a man is exposed to your relaxing, enjoyable environment, he is more likely to become a part of it. 

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